Dating as a single mom? What's that?

One of my older brothers got married yesterday. Such an exciting thing... something I hope to do someday (get married)... until then, there's a lot of factors that go into that. First, I'll have to find someone to date, but even that comes with its struggles... just to name a few:

1. Feeling confident-- while it may be flattering to have someone ask me on a date, its still a little scary... How can I be confident in dating if I am not yet confident in myself? If I still struggle to love myself for who I am now, how can I accept that others may want to eventually do the same?

2. Responsibilities- There are so many sacrifices that are made, and the responsibilities are endless. Not only do I have a child that takes up ALL of my free time, but he changes what I DO in my free time (when I have it). I can no longer go out for a happy hour, or come home and open a bottle of wine. I can't randomly go out to dinner, I can't run random errands, etc. I've got to get home, cook dinner, give my son a bath, put him to bed, and then somehow get in a workout BEFORE I pass out of extreme exhaustion from being up so early.

Which brings me to my main concern--

3. TIME. Truth be told, I have none. Every day it is the same thing. I wake up, get us both ready, go to work, come home, feed him dinner, give him a bath, try to get in a workout and then I go to bed so I can wake up and do it all over again. On the weekends, I try to clean and shop on Saturday's, so I can enjoy my Sundays. Since the weekends are the only "free time" that I have, its important to me to try and "live" a little. I try to hang out with my family, my friends, shop or I do something else that interests me (all WITH Braylon). Not only that, but I have to make sure that my time fits in Braylon's schedule, as I do not have my own. We work around his food time and then around his nap time, and to be honest, that's how it will probably be until he's old enough to not need a nap! I can't do anything out of the norm since any surprise activity throws off the schedule and makes for a stressful day!

4. Guilt-- yes, it's something I feel ANYTIME I am not with Braylon and not working. I know that I need my own time, but how can I not feel guilty about wanting that? I WANT to spend every moment possible with Braylon. I also want to date and have adult time... without Braylon. How do I find that balance?

I am not the same woman I was before I had Braylon. In fact, I am far from it. My standards are higher(not that they were extremely low), and I actually KNOW what I want. To date a single mother, not only can you not pull out the same moves that you do on other girls, but the moves that you do pull need to be enough to win me over! One wrong move, and I have no problem bowing out. Where are the mature, romantic, hilarious guys that don't mind hanging out watching a movie on a Friday night? Where are the guys that got the craziness out of their system long before they met me?

To be frank, I've got baggage. While personally I don't feel it's baggage, I know that from an outsiders perspective, that is exactly what it is. I am a woman, with a child AND a baby daddy. A baby daddy who is still very actively involved in my most prized possession's life. This means that any man that dates me has to accept the fact that I respect my child's father, and hope to continue an amicable relationship with him, even with another man in my life.

I am who I am, and with a child, I'm much more honest than the old me. I'll tell you what I want, what I don't want, and hell... I may never speak to you again if you say the wrong thing... not because I'm a b*t$h, but because I know what I want. While I may be vulnerable to a man's advances, I am not a fool to believe every one. As stated before, I don't have time for the surprises. I will be straight up and honest , and if you're not what I want, no sweat off my back. If you can handle me, I may just be everything you're looking for... warm, considerate, understanding, domestic, and a good mother. This is all assuming my son doesn't hate you... And since we are a packaged deal, you'll need to give double the love.

With all of that being said... I am now accepting applications... if you or someone you know would like to date me, please submit all apps to my email. :) In all seriousness though, this whole dating thing is tough. With so many factors, I can't help but expect to be single until Braylon's in college. That will be fine though, right?

One year--CHECK.

I know, it's been a while. While I would like to go back and recap the past year, it's just impossible to do so without leaving so many things out! In a nutshell, Braylon turned 1 in August, started walking shortly after, and now is a little chatterbox. His favorite thing is The Wiggles, and yesterday he realized that the Woody doll that he carries around and loves is a movie star! I'm so very proud to be his mom, and some days I just don't see how I got this lucky. Not only with him, but with life. I have a wonderful job, a wonderful family, great friends, and slowly but surely I'm really getting the hang of this "single mom" stuff.

2010 was a trying year for us as we ventured out on our own, and started over. I often felt sorry for myself, and looking back, that was ridiculous. I dwelled on the fact that I was not the same person (on the outside) as I was before the baby, and used this and Braylon as an excuse to not do anything (for myself and just in general). It did nothing but bring me down. I decided that in 2011, this would not be the case. Since then, I've been more active in hanging out with my friends, taking 1 or 2 nights a month for myself, and overall just getting out of the house with Braylon on a somewhat daily basis. Ive started working out (today marks day 21!), and have seen an overall change in my self esteem, my appearance, and on the whole, my happiness. It's easy to say that you're going to change things, but to actually CHANGE is not only a challenge, but is tremendously rewarding. Now, if I could only make the time to blog more. One thing at a time, I suppose. Here's to a great year!

Sleeping and Sitting and Teeth, Oh my!!

Braylon's first Christmas came and went, and was for the most part, uneventful. He sat next to me as I opened his gifts but was more interested in eating wrapping paper than anything. It was nice for the families to get some time with him though, and I'm looking forward to this next Christmas! Hopefully he'll be able to enjoy the gifts more than the paper!

He finally began sleeping through the night pretty consistantly. I decided to invest in a "sleep sack" in order to eliminate the need for swaddling. It worked like a charm. He's been in bed before 9 and up between 6 and 7. If I can make it to bed before midnight, I'm fully rested come morning!

Braylon cut his first teeth a couple of weeks ago. Just when I thought I couldn't love this kid anymore, he goes and gets teeth! I know it sounds weird, but I just fell even more in love with him! My baby got his first teeth! I was extremely proud and can't wait for more to cut through.

I started working out of the house last week. It is such a blessing to have this new job, but it means no longer working from home everyday. Leaving Braylon has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with since pregnancy. I went from spending every waking moment with my little booger, to making it home in time for dinner, bath, and bed. I wondered if his schedule would be altered, if he would be understood when he was hungry, and whether or not he'd get enough sleep while I wasn't there and in control. I dealt with these feelings the entire week preceeding my first day of work. Turns out, Braylon wasn't sad to see me go, his routine stayed the same, and I was actually able to get into one (a routine). Luckily for me, his dad has been able to watch him and has helped alleviate a LOT of my stress. I now leave before he wakes up and when I get home it's Mommy and Braylon time. We eat our dinner, play, bathe, read, and then go to sleep. And now I look forward to picture messages each day to help with the seperation anxiety that I am suffering from. I can only imagine what will happen when he goes off to school for the first time. Literally makes me tear up thinking about it.

In just the short time that I've been working out of the house, he has managed to start sitting on his own. It ranges from 10 seconds to a minute, but it's on his own.

It is amazing to me how many milestones he's reached in only 6 months of life! I can only cross my fingers that he won't grow a full beard before I get home tonight! I think it's safe to say he won't, but just in case, I'm speeding home.

Peek-a-boo, I scared you!

I swear that every single day, Braylon is doing something new. In the past week, he's eaten pears, rolled-over, put himself to sleep without crying, laughed hard, and found a new love/hate for peek-a-boo. The other day I got him to laugh playing peek-a-boo. When I hear him laugh, I try my hardest to keep it going. I will do anything and everything to hear that laugh over and over and over again. One time however, I guess I left my face hidden a little too long during this game, and when I "peek-a-boo"ed him, he definitely wasn't expecting it. Not only did I scare him, but I made him cry. He is scared pretty easily with these types of games and it wasn't the first time that I had scared him. Hearing his cry though, made me feel so guilty! I didn't do it on purpose, but just to hear the fear in his cry...

He's been rolling over constantly since last week, and unfortunately he's doing it in the crib too. I say unfortunately because he has to be swaddled. He isn't a HUGE fan, but he WILL NOT sleep without it. It is very dangerous for a baby to be on his stomach while he is wrapped up in a blanket, as he can apparently suffocate easily. So now that he's randomly rolling over, I don't know what to do. I've tried one arm and that seems to be okay, but the second I leave the other unwrapped, he's waking himself up. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

I say this often, but I just can't get over how fast he is growing up. I know 5 months isn't that long if you think about the many years to come, but man, it's gone quick and I feel like if I blink I may miss something. I love that boy so much that I feel crazy sometimes. How can you love something SO much? I saw someone on Extreme Makeover:Home Edition say, "The purpose of life is to live life for a purpose." Braylon is my purpose.

Motherhood is hard. A good hard. A few weeks ago, I made an emergency appointment at the pediatricians office. I knew for a fact that there was something wrong with Braylon. He was constantly crying, and randomly screaming. As a new mother, I naturally believed he could be dying! I had run through the checklist: Am I feeding him too much? Is he not sleeping? Does he have gas? Am I not feeding him enough? Is he constipated? Fever? None of these things seemed to be the problem. It had to be worse! Brace yourself, because it was. The doctors diagnosis: He's got me trained. How can a 3 1/2 mo old train me? What's worse, is that that little booger had me feeling so embarassed. Is this a foreshadowing? I hope not. Since that visit, I've really been working on HIM. I found that the best way to get through the crying is to jump into the shower. I make sure he doesn't need anything and then I put him in his crib. Once the shower goes on, it is soundproof. If he's still crying when I get out, I check on him and then go blow dry my hair. He never lasts past the blowdry. When I was able to hear him crying, I felt guilty, and when I picked him up while he was crying, I felt anxious. It was time to make a change. He's doing better now. I can already see a big difference and I feel like my little baby will be a little boy before I know it. I started him on cereal once he turned 4 months. Here are a few pictures of his first bite.




Tomorrow will be day 5 of cereal. Every day he has grown to hate it more and more. I am hoping to come up with a way to get him to eat it successfully. Until then, I will just practice the cleaning of the face with a spoon technique.

Here goes nothing!

I've needed some way to express my frustrations, my joys, and the craziness that ensues while being a first time mom. I've read all of the books, and for some reason, I'm still surprised at every little thing that happens. Hopefully, in writing this, I will appreciate and hold on to all of the little things I get to enjoy on a day to day basis with my son Braylon. He just turned 4 months old on Tuesday. Time seriously flies by too fast. Here's a little montage of the little boy who has stolen my heart.